Lovers, Married, or Just Friends?


Lovers, Married, or Just Friends? How the two of you were meant to be together

By Duane Hewitt

It’s something you might find yourself wondering about at the beginning of a relationship, and certainly at the end of a relationship. Were you meant to marry this one particular person? Or were you meant to be friends – even lovers, perhaps? And yes, we do sometimes end up marrying our friends and lovers, but does that make it wrong? And how do you figure it all out whether at the beginning, or when you’re deep into it?

One good tell all is just what it is that brought the two of you together. Like two colliding supernovas, your physical attraction and passionate energies brought you together as lovers. And that’s something that’s an amazing experience when it happens. But then there are times when we really start to get to know our secret lover, and perhaps we find out that there are things about their personality, their beliefs and values, that we simply don’t like. So, that’s easy enough. Enjoy the experience and passion of lovemaking and move on. Sometimes such loves stay in touch, and sometimes not. Either way is fine.

But then there are times when we meet someone that has so many of the right checkmarks on your secret checklist. The two of you are attracted, you enjoy each other’s company, you share much in the way of values and outlooks and even your secrets; you become friends and lovers. It’s grand. It’s amazing. It’s simply heaven. But if either of you think about, or come to speak about marriage, some nagging little voice in the back of your mind says no, or at least, not yet. You might still wade in with all the best intentions, and maybe for a while things really work out well. But then, years down the road, something isn’t working. The marriage ends. Why?

It might help to identify and acknowledge what brought you together in the first place. Perhaps you were meant to connect. Perhaps you have some purpose, a goal that the two of you will collaborate on and, once completed, you may find that it’s time for each of you to move on. But beyond all that, you might need to identify whether its love or just friendship. And consider this: if it is truly love, it should be able to stand-up to a bare naked assessment before marriage is considered. Love, true love, will be that tough, that resilient.

Two factors that come into the love versus friendship thing is intensity of emotions and physical reactions when you’re near the person. Buddies and casual friends don’t generally incite feelings like this within us. But with someone who you might feel like you’re falling in love with, you may become nervous, or experience heightened emotions. Another giveaway is that you can’t stop thinking about them. In that case, it’s probably love. But it still doesn’t mean a long-term relationship or marriage will work.

It’s also good to keep in mind that not all relationships are alike. Some friends marry and stay together for life. Some lovers also marry and stay together for life, growing in life’s adventure together.

If you’re up for it, the Internet offers a number of resources (and opinions) about love versus friendship, how to tell the difference, and whether that certain someone will make a good marriage partner. Just keep in mind that life – and people – isn’t perfect. Plus, many of us change over time.

And to conclude, if your marriage or your relationship is coming to an end, that doesn’t mean it was a mistake in the first place. It’s all part of the growth and experience of being human.

Copyright 2021 Duane Hewitt.

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