When you can’t find someone to love


When you can’t find someone to love

By Duane Hewitt

Our inherent need to love can often feel sidetracked if we are unable to find someone to love. After all, we are meant to love as much as we need to be loved. But what if we are unable to find someone to love? How can we cope? What are we to do?

The presence of love in our lives is seldom permanent or sustaining. Love often comes and goes. It has peaks and valleys. Those who do find that one special someone who they remain in love with throughout their lives are lucky indeed, but it may be more true to say that many of us do not find such long-lasting love. And that can mean periods of aloneness and loneliness.

And so we must reflect on those periods of being alone, short or long as they may be. On one hand, that solitude can be a blessing in our lives. This is because being alone allows the opportunity of getting in touch with the true you. It can mean getting to know you all over again. You might have discovered new interests and new values. So having that period of solitude can be a blessing by the fact it helps us morph into who we are in the next phase of our life. On the downside, yes, there may be periods of loneliness – a bitter pill to swallow. But keep in mind that being with someone isn’t always a guarantee against loneliness. There can be equally difficult times where you might feel frustrated and incomplete, not unlike the loneliness of being alone.

And yet, by not finding someone to love it allows us the opportunity to ask, why not? Why can’t we find someone to love? And so it’s fair to ask some self-evaluation questions:

  • Do you have a special secret checklist that your next love must meet? If so, perhaps you need to change it. If race, age, income, height, weight, personal measurements, and status are all non-negotiable sticking points, then you’ve narrowed your list of hopefuls. Consider widening the parameters of your list. The results might surprise you.
  • What sort of signals do you send to the outside world? This is a tough one to self-evaluate, but give it a try. Do you come across as being too independent? Perhaps you seem too content with being alone. Or do you seem too hurried or aloof even? What might you need to change in the persona you transmit to catch more attention? How do you dress? How do you speak? Who is the person that you present to the outside world on a daily basis?

In weighing why we are unable to find someone to love, it’s only fair to ask the question, “Do I really want a new relationship that I will commit to?” Be honest with yourself in how you answer this. Is it really a new lasting relationship that you’re after? Or do you just want a great lover without all the hassle of a long-term relationship? Sometimes we don’t want another person coming into our tightly sealed little world to upset every little nuance of our lives. And that’s fair. Imagine your life as a circle. How much of that circle are you prepared to share with another circle? And what exactly are your needs? Perhaps you really do just want a part-time lover for recreational sex. Or perhaps you just want a friend for chats and texting and the occasional dinner out and nothing more.

Don’t be too critical with yourself if you feel things aren’t panning out. Life is a river and it’s always changing. Be aware of the signals you send out to others but try to be observant of the signals coming back to you. Did you dismiss that moderately good-looking stranger’s effort to say hello to you on the morning train? When someone approached you to make conversation in the grocery store, did you let an opportunity pass? And when was the last time you took the initiative to say hello to that much younger, or much older, individual who always seems to be alone, even if it means suffering the risk of rejection?

Sometimes the yardsticks we carry with us to measure people are unwittingly used against ourselves. We might think: Am I too old, too fat, too unattractive, or possibly too far off the grid for what we think that other person will measure us by? This is human nature but it’s best not to assume. Rejection is a fact of life but acceptance is also a fact of life, so you might score a hit.

Finally, in closing, one important tip: don’t get too hung up on finding perfection because it can only lead to disappointment. Otherwise, please, go ahead and make the effort because the results can really be worthwhile.

Copyright 2020 Duane Hewitt.

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